Election Fever

With TN Elections fast approaching, there is an apparent election fever everywhere. Already rumors are floating that the ‘two’ Political Biggies are trying to rope in the ‘two’ Tamil Cinema Biggies, for an whopping amount of 100 crores. Hopefully rumors should remain as rumors!! But it is still surprising that nobody has approached me still with any offer though I’m demanding only 99 crores :-)

As I do every time, this time too I have realized the social responsibility I should show in this regard. Though there are some Aunty-Social elements... err.. I mean anti-social elements, which would jump against me, I’m pretty adamant this time to do the needy. With millions of visitors checking my blog everyday, and that too most of them in their young 20s, its my pleasure to teach them what Elections are all about.

So here we go with a detailed FAQ on Elections!!


What is an Election?

An election is an annual game conducted by the Election Commission to identify individual talents in the field of Goli, Gilli, Kabadi and VettuKuthu. However, educated states like Kerala have decided to include Boxing and Karate nowadays.

Wow. So elections are conducted every year?

Not necessarily. They are also just another huge game like The Olympics, Cricket World Cup or the FIFA World Cup. So they are supposed to be conducted once in 4 years. However due to the huge popularity and high demand amidst the public nowadays they happen every year. In fact, some states like Bihar and Gujarat, which has huge fans following, conduct this game for twice or thrice a year.

What is a Political Party?

You know parties are always meant for fun. So Political Party is yet another party on the likes of ‘Birthday Party’, ‘Bachelor’s Party’ and ‘Drinks Party’. However don’t ever try to link this with Boston Tea Party.

Who is a candidate?

Well, as the name implies they come direct from School. They have IQ levels matching 1st or 2nd class municipal school students. English medium is a strict no-no.

Is there any eligibility for the candidature?

Though the EC (Election Commission) hasn’t fixed any norms for that, everybody has a general assumption with that. 25 Years of schooling, 10 Years of College, 7-8 years of Screen Presence (Regional language Cinema only) and 8-9 years of Jail Presence.

How about the age limit restriction?

The EC has never enforced any age limitations or restrictions. However when you look at the earlier question you’ll come to know you’ll become a politician only after age 50.

Interesting it is. How do I apply to join a party?

Well, each party has a principle they claim they have. You can find out each parties principle on the Internet even by making a simple search. But, Politicians and future politicians are strictly advised not to use Internet. So better find information manually visiting their offices.

I have found all the information, but I don’t know which party to join?

The rule is very simple. Research has proved over time that, the more the Party’s principle differ from your own, you stand a chance to become a successful politician.

You have raised all my interest. I want to start a new party. What do I do?

No don’t get excited. Starting a party is not as simple as you think. You have to find extremely talented candidates for the posts of President, Treasurer, Secretary, Advisor and PRO. And the most important thing is none of them should have a common interest.

I’m sure I’ll start a party. Is there any hard and fast rule for naming a party?

As far as Tamil Nadu is concerned, there is a universal rule that every party name should end only with MK, standing for ‘Munnetra Kazhagam’ in Tamil. But owing to the huge dispute in the pronouncement of letters ‘zha’ and ‘la’ in Tamil, all parties have now finally accepted to write it as ‘Munnetra Kalagam’ in English.

Can you suggest some name for my party?

Sure. All three-letter names starting from AMK to ZMK has already been taken. Some four-letter names are available but you need to extremely research on it and try various Permutation and Combinations to find out. I know these terms sounds alien to future politician like you. It applies to the people at the EC too. So better choose a name like ABCDMK or XYZMK.

No parties, no candidature. I’m a common man. Why should I vote?

These questions are tough to explain without examples. Let me say this... I’m an ardent fan of Sourav Ganguly and I want him to play for the Indian Cricket team. But, the Cricket Selectors never asked for my suggestion. But not in this game. You have a choice to select which players you want to see playing daily in the Assembly. Now say, you want to vote right?

What is the need for Election?

1-day Holiday.

What is this Ballot Paper?

They are just another paper like “The Deccan Chronicle” and “Tamil Murasu”. You can even compare this to Yellow pages directory. There will be huge advertisements and information on where you can purchase Mangoes, Lotus flower, Top (Bambaram in Tamil) etc.

But now I heard we have got Electronic voting machines replacing papers.

Yes, you are right. But so what, the purpose is same... you purchase Mangoes and Flowers electronically.

Can I openly disclose to public whom I have voted for?

Though not recommended you can always do. You will by default enter for the “Indian Bravery Awards” nomination, if at all you remain alive.

I already know all these things. Can you tell me something else useful?

Great. You should be a genius to know these things. Still, I have a suggestion. If you look at the top right corner of this window, there will be a small ‘X’ button. Move your mouse and click there once.

I’m a total follower of the current ruling party. However the opposition has used a glamorous Heroine to contest in my area, who is also my favorite. Can you advise?

Well, this is a tough decision to make. But personally I will *not* vote for the Heroine had I been there in the same situation. You see, Cinema is a serious thing but Politics and Elections are just a game. Also the current 50ish mock Hero will find it tough without this Heroine. Producers may lose all their money. Let her show her talent in Cinema alone.

I want to become the CM. I look dark, ugly and stout. My eyes are always red, as most of the time I’m angry with Kashmir terrorists and rest of the time I’m heavily drunk. Will people hate me?

Not at all. People never hate politicians. From the details I can also infer you will be from a Cinema background. Don’t confuse your mind on the red-eye thing. The success mantra is to wear a ‘black’ glass. To suit your style you may wear a black ‘Ray-ban’ cooler.


With this most of the FAQs are covered. It is not as tough as you think to answer these questions. I will also teach you the Thumb-Rule to deal with other questions you have in your mind, which I haven’t answered.

Don’t use you Common Sense when it comes to Politics. You’ll always be right !