Vetti Writings

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Year 2007 Predictions

Well, I know I’m timing it a bit late, actually a lot late :) Blame it on my laziness, carelessness or my busy schedule.. Whatever, I finally made it. I have heard people say ‘Better late than never’. So here are my bold predictions for this year. I’m no famous astrologer, nor do I know Business, Politics, Computers, Science or Sports properly. That should give you a clue of what am I going to talk about.

I actually started this by February end itself, but found time to complete only now. So while you read this, some of them may not be even future, but may sound as past :) To maintain originality I have left it all unedited. So for a complete experience I suggest you to close your eyes and go back in time for a while... Whoosshhhh !! Its, January 3rd 2007 !! Now open you eyes :)

Disclaimer : The views and opinions expressed here are all mine and does not by anyway represent the company I work for, the company I speak about, my friends, foes, relatives, adutha veetu (next house) dog or the edhir veetu (opposite house) figure !! With that, we are headed for the kick-off !!


1. The much-awaited product from Microsoft, Windows Vista will begin to create ripples worldwide. Supposed to ‘bring clarity to your life’, this version of Windows with its state of the art Aero Glass interface will penetrate its way to all the rooms in your household and workplace. Microsoft, through its partners will bundle Windows with every building that is newly constructed, and provides easy migration strategies for the earlier version Windows users. It also greatly improves developer productivity, as developers can seamlessly look into the adjacent cubicle monitor and their code snippets, as the new Windows have become really really transparent. Windows Vista will promise great entertainment for your money, with some of its features like Dream Scene (You can see what is happening on the roads and adjacent buildings through the Aero Glass), and no wonder every user will begin to say ‘wow’!! Very obviously, now Gates will be proud of Windows.


2. The ICC Cricket World Cup 2007 will be one of the most talked International sporting events in the history of world sports. Putting an end to every criticism, team India will manage a fantastic 2-wicket victory against the highly inexperienced Bermuda chasing a total of 47 in 49.3 overs at their league match. Coach Greg Chappell will say, their strategy has completely perplexed the Bermuda team and they’ll continue to throw surprises like this to all other teams. He will also mention that this win has given a lot of courage and confidence for the boys. In another league Australia will get all out for 911 runs in 46.2 overs against South Africa. At the end of first Innings Ricky Ponting will give a dejected press statement that it is a shame for them for not crossing the 1000 run mark. South African captain Greame Smith, who was weeping all this time while Ponting was speaking, will say ‘I’m sorry to say, but, we are giving a walk-over’. He pleads the ICC either to condemn team Australia unfit for playing cricket or better send them home now with the World Cup 2007. Every cricket-playing nation accepts this decision of giving Australia the World Cup directly, however the Indian Coach will not be satisfied with this. He already has devised a strategy to give Australia 1000 runs that would otherwise not happen if every team walks over.


3. Google, after acquiring You-Tube will look for a major growth in terms of Video and Video on-demand market. The sheer amount of Video data gets so large to manage, that they will run out of locations to have their Data Servers. Inspired by their own Google Mars project, and with the timely help of Douglas Adams, they will begin to set up their Data Centers at Mars. A state of the art Googleplex will be created at Mars, and a team of Computer Engineers, Physicists, Geologists, Archeologists, Paleontologists and even Novelists will visit the planet for the first time. Keeping into account - the difference in gravity, uneven nature of the surfaces, abundance of Nitrogen, frequent devastations caused by the Dinosaurs in the planet etc., a new technique will be found to counteract all these problems and Stanford computer scientists would finally fine tune it, to find that, Data Mining is 500% quicker in Mars compared to Earth. As a Phase 1 inception, all You Tube data will be moved to Mars. Even after calculating the round trip delay between Earth and Mars, search results and video streaming will appear relatively quicker. Google claims their Mars success as ‘The Red Wave’ and enters into anything and everything that is associated with the color ‘Red’.


4. The 2007 season of Formula-1 will start on a very dull note after the retirement of the seven-time World Champion Michael Schumacher. However, using his critical (you can read as crooked too) thinking power he tips the Ferrari management team that they can actually bag a deal with Google since they are ‘Red’. The deal will click, and Ferrari gets more funding for research. More than that, Google Analytics gets into the on-board computer chip of the new Ferrari. Apart from detecting what factors influence the outcome of the race and what can be automatically changed on the aerodynamics and mechatronics of the running Ferrari, it silently detects what is suspicious on the opponents system too. One day it would go on to detect that, Fernando Alonso who is frustrated with the McLaren’s performance would insist on running his engine on Donkey Power instead of Horse Power.


5. The cold war between India and Pakistan will never ease around. They will continue to fight neck to neck on Kashmir (obviously), Ammunitions, Missile testing and Space Research. And of course, they fight on Cricket too, but Greg Chappell has a special plan for that, that it won’t appear as a fight anymore. Backed up by a successful team of scientists and ultra-secretive operations India will dodge Pakistan by sending their first satellite to Mars. India’s Military and Government Organizations would fail to upgrade to Windows Vista owing to shortfall of money, and as a result Pakistan couldn’t look through the transparent windows!! The Union Minster for Information Technology and Communication will join hands in celebrating the success and officially announces that SUN Network televisions can now be viewed from Mars also. Unable to compete with Vijay TV on Tamil-dubbed English movies, SUN TV will send a team to Mars, to dub all videos on You-Tube to Tamil and arrange plans to broadcast it from Mars itself. However, they won’t air them on Saturday’s or Sunday’s instead they will be aired every Tuesday, as a token of respect to Mars.


6. George Bush, who never had a flair for Sports and Science, will be extremely unhappy on the way with which the year is progressing. To keep all his men busy and to turn the entire world’s attention on him he will be constantly looking for something to be done. One of his daughters, admired by the charm of Ricky Ponting, would shout on praise of his team’s terrific performance against the South Africans. ‘Nine-hundred and Eleven runs in less than 50 overs is amazing dad!! Your baseball is no equal to this wonderful game of cricket. You and your men will never grow up dad!!… Remember Nine-Hundred and Eleven Runs’. That last line was enough for him. ‘What? I’ll never grow up… She said that to me because some Australian cricket team could hit Nine-Hundred and Eleven.. Jesus, 911 they scored.. 9/11. This makes sense. It is a planned insult. Osama is a refuge in Australia now. I’m going to declare war on Australia’. This will be the time when the Australians would feel bad for not utilizing Greg Chappell, and Indians all over the world would cheer for Greg Chappell for saving their country from the hands of America.


7. It will visibly be the happiest year for the dying fans of Tamil Cinema. It will be the year when the biggest cinemas of two of their living legends are likely to happen. Rajini’s Shivaji and Kamal’s Dasaavadhaaram. As expected, on both the cases maddening rush will be found on all the theatres on where the film will be screened, but only on the first day. To everyone’s shock all the Cineplexes will be devoid of crowd from the second day. The reason being SUN TV will manage to air the movie on the same day of its release, using the loopholes on the constitution, that its broadcast from Mars cannot be influenced by the regulations of the Indian Government. There will be only one film, which will create history on theatres by running a record 50 days – Vijay T Rajendar’s Veerasaamy. As everyone knows, SUN TV would never want to lose their viewers by airing this movie and hence it will run on theatres. The most charming and intelligent man of the Tamil Cinema, Illaya Dhalapathi Vijay understands that, the films success was due to the magic word ‘V’ which appeared on both the film name and actor/director’s name. To follow suit, he announces his film, which would start with ‘V’ and appoints P. Vasu (to be displayed on the titles as Vasu. P) as the director, who in turn recommends Vijay Shanthi as the heroine. During the release of the film, the crowd would erupt on the intro scene of the police officer, bringing down the entire hall. The police officer would be Vijay Shanthi and the crowd has mistaken Vijay Shanthi for Vijay and vice-versa. The second intelligent man of the tamil filmdom will seek to re-release his film ‘Vallavan’ for the magic letter ‘V’ would create on the box-office now. To regain publicity for his old-flop movie he would approach the heroine of the movie to pose for an intimate kissing scene. The boldest women she is known to be, she issues a more daring and public statement to the press about her ex-hero, err.. I mean the ex-film hero, which would further damage the already heavily damaged name of him.


8. Real Estate over India, especially over Tamil Nadu will rise on an exponential rate that the State Government would decide to abandon courses involving Graph Sheets from school and college sylabus. Their intention would be to illiterate young people on Graphs, so that nobody in the future could complain on exponential increase, since none of them would know what an exponent is !! A 13 year old school kid from PSBB Chennai, completely pissed of by the abandonment of graph sheets on schools and colleges, would device a solution to the real estate crisis so that he can get back to his work on Graphs. Completely surprising, his formula for both residential and commercial areas would bring down the rates dramatically.

Cost of a Residential Apartment = (No. of Square Feet * [500 * (Total number of persons + 1) * (Total number of Mobile phones + 1)] ) / Number of proper roads in the avenue

Cost of a Commercial Complex = (No. of Square Feet * [1000 * Number of Employees * Total Number of Buses(if present) * Numer of overtime Hours]) / Number of company Holidays


9. Harry Potter and The Dash of Dash (Yeah, J.K Rowling would be reluctant to disclose any information about this book) , the seventh and final book on the series will make its way on to the book shelves all over the world. Touted to be the heavily gaurded and secretive book on Earth, it will draw so much crowd onto the book stores, that a 3-mile long queue would be standing over the night of its release at the book stores of America, which they have never witnessed even on a Thanks Giving Day. Around the same time, dejected Indian fans would kick their fists, but not on the table or the book, but over their TV Remote. This time again, SUN TV manages to telecast a 12 hour continuous mega-serial type of program covering the seventh book. They had all time on Earth, I'm sorry, all time on Mars - to read the book, design a screen play, arrange for cast and crew, shoot a 12 hour video and broadcast the same, and all this well before the book has hit the stores. Only after the Indo-Marso-UK agreement, the probe was organized to find the leak. To everyone's surprise it would be found that Rowling was using Windows Vista Ultimate on her living room. The Afghani man next door looked into almost each pages of her book through the Aero !! (For those of you who think too much on it, hold on.., she turned off Dream Scene !!) Rowling would announce in public that she would sue Microsoft for a Billion Dollar. The Scotland Yard would catch the Afghan 'red-handed' and Google would arrive just on time, hearing Red and Microsoft, to finance the law suit for Rowling. Microsoft sues Google for the leak has happened from Mars and since You-Tube was heavily used. Rowling goes baffled, and unable to think on what do to next simply eats Apple and announces that she would write an eighth volume, where she would bring all the dead characters back to life. Kids all over the world make advance booking for the 8th volume while the 7th volume would remain un-touched on the shelves.


10. Roby Van De Williams, an Indian born Netherland settled Chemistry Scientist, known at Tamil Nadu as Robert Velu, during his liesure trip to Chennai will find the tamilian soil having unique elements which reflect too much of 'Radio' Activity. He would observe the element closely and would identify different physical and chemical properties which are rare in any other elements of nature. They will be basically hot like a 'mirchi', and exhibits radio active behaviours only on day-light, i.e in the presence of Sun - 'sooriyan' in Tamil . While studying the crystaline nature of it, he will find that the crystals will align themselves on the 'World Space' in a 'Big' way compared with others. Also two isotopes are found available and he names them 'K' and 'L'. After thorough research, and strictly adhering to the standards of element naming, he names the element 'Thillalangadium'. Nationwide protest, which later turns Internationalwide will begin to happen, spearheaded by the super child who proposed the Real-Estate formula. The student federation would complain that, Scientists over the world are unnecessarily making baseless innovations which are damaging their brain cells. He submits a case study to the UN about the wastage of time, energy and money of every school grade students owing to the latest Pluto debacle. He claims the worldwide memory watage total as equivalent to 40 Tera Bytes, and puts forth a question that, 'Can the World afford to 40TB of Bad-Sector on the Studnets'? Red-Flags will be hoisted around every UN building marking their protest. While the TV crews would be waiting, awaiting for Google's entry anytime, Apple which has been silent all this year would make a dramatic entry signing the deal, by acquiring 'Thillalangadium' and making every student happy and putting them silent by presenting them an IPhone. Poor kids never know that the phone will not function outside the US !! Apple has been counting on FM Radio integration with the IPhone and the 'Thillalangadium' deal is all they have waited for the radio-activity to glow over their business. They rechristen 'Thillalangadium' to 'I-Thillalangadium' and to maintain anonymity and secrecy over their operation they would move over to Saturn, since Mircosoft already has a Jupiter connection.